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Post by Ser Mehran S'Disraeli on Jan 24, 2010 12:42:39 GMT -5
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Orrin None-son
C-Box Moderator
The Mouthy Urk
Steward of Ravenwood
Posts: 1,355
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Post by Orrin None-son on Feb 13, 2010 13:58:51 GMT -5
Gonna toss my own funnies in there....
SURVIVOR ..... Ozarks Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Missouri is planning to do its own, titled 'Survivor -Ozarks Style.' The contestants will start in Springfield , travel down to Branson and Hollister . Then, they will head west to Cassville, then proceed to Anderson . From there they will head north through Joplin and Carthage on their way to Nevada . Then east to Stockton , Bolivar, and Lebanon . From there, down to Mtn Grove, Cabool and West Plains. Then back west to Gainsville and up through Ava to Mansfield . The final leg will be back to Springfield ! The contestants are required to slowly circle the square in each of these towns. Each will be driving a pink Volvo, at no faster than 50 mph, with California license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads: I'm Rainbows and Unicorns. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.' The first one that makes it back to Springfield alive wins..
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Orrin None-son
C-Box Moderator
The Mouthy Urk
Steward of Ravenwood
Posts: 1,355
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Post by Orrin None-son on Feb 13, 2010 14:01:43 GMT -5
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check.
I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning
to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.
On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
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Orrin None-son
C-Box Moderator
The Mouthy Urk
Steward of Ravenwood
Posts: 1,355
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Post by Orrin None-son on Feb 13, 2010 14:05:29 GMT -5
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Tyr
Tyr
I Hunger For Blood
Posts: 190
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Post by Tyr on Feb 13, 2010 14:34:59 GMT -5
orrin you deff make me lul
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Orrin None-son
C-Box Moderator
The Mouthy Urk
Steward of Ravenwood
Posts: 1,355
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Post by Orrin None-son on Feb 20, 2010 9:30:35 GMT -5
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair...
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message, " she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room
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Orrin None-son
C-Box Moderator
The Mouthy Urk
Steward of Ravenwood
Posts: 1,355
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Post by Orrin None-son on Feb 20, 2010 9:37:51 GMT -5
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loud, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was Joe's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other guys shook their heads and said, " Man, you look awful!" Joe says," Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" The others couldn't believe it. "You slept last night? How did you do it?"
"Well, before getting into bed, I went over, kissed Bob goodnight, and patted him on the butt. Ol' Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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